The Easy Way To Have A Hard Conversation

Leaders are not created by position alone. Regardless of title, leaders motivate and inspire others to follow, create trust and teamwork, and initiate growth.

These topics are spoken of often, but what is not talked about is confrontation. Does anyone really like to deliver a tough message or tell someone that what they have done is wrong?

Most leaders don’t love it, but they do it because it needs to be done. These tough conversations are often the catalyst for the most growth.

We should say what we need to say with a side of love.

Many people in charge equate heart with weakness but that openness and connection is what creates the best teams.

I learned a concept in business leadership that changed my management style.  The process is to Form, Storm, and Norm to Perform. Its’ simplicity is what makes it brilliant.

As a leader you form relationships and connect with those on your team. In this stage you learn what motivates them, their likes and dislikes, and their individual skill sets.

The next step is storm. This can be difficult for a team because most people do not like change. This is the period when adjustments are made to culture. This is when a mission statement might be revisited or the focus of the team might be realigned.

Just like a storm, once the clouds clear, things normalize. You are now in a good place as a leader. You have established yourself.


Lastly, your team will be expected to perform to the standard you created. If they fail to perform, that is where the confrontation comes in.

We have all been there. Your boss calls you into a conference room and tells you what you are doing is not working and it needs to change. Strong leaders find a way to tell what you need to know while allowing you to maintain your dignity. Because of the love they show, you do not question their intent. You understand the coaching is for your good and the overall good.

What if we approached everything that way? Lead with love first then address the need. Leaders also gain respect from saying the hard things.

It is not love to avoid. While we should be a safe place we shouldn’t play it safe. (Can I get an Amen?!?!)

God’s Word says, “Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love” (Ephesians 4:15-16).  We all have our part to do to make the body work. In the corporate world, it is our job to make our organization or teams effective. That has an impact here on Earth, but how we honor God’s bride is even more important because of its’ eternal impact. Doing this means the church will not only be healthy but it will grow. Maybe instead of reviewing programs or service orders, we should examine our hearts. (I didn’t say it, Jesus did. )

Many Christians, including myself, have felt dishonored by church leaders. We were confronted, but it was done without love. There are also churches that in ‘love’, address nothing. That’s not grounded in truth and it lacks authenticity because underlying concerns haven’t been discussed. This is a part of the reason trust in leadership breaks down and many churches are not healthy. Church is the one place where we should get love right.

You can start applying this by asking yourself:

1.  “Will this help or will this hinder?”  
2.  “Is this going to add value?”
3.  “What is my purpose?”
4.  “Am I following God’s Will?”

Once you have determined that your intentions are correct, move forward in confronting the situation. That is the first part. Then focus on the second part, which is love. Consider how you can love someone through a situation even when the message you are delivering is difficult.

Women are an incredibly gifted group of people. I believe we were designed to align our church family to the very heart of God.  Our leadership can propel the church and the next generation by modeling how to do the right thing in love.

‘Start by doing what is necessary; then do what is possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible’ - St. Francis of Assisi

Victoria Lynn Peck

Victoria Lynn Peck currently resides in Orange County, CA. where she is a Fraud Supervisor. She has been in banking over 20 years but her passion is ministry: singing, writing, and speaking to women. Her favorite pastimes are travel, weight lifting, the beach, shopping, and finding new, local hot spots. To learn more about her message Victoria on Instagram @tori1231 or search her name on Facebook or Pinterest to follow her trends.   

Join the discussion

Marilyn December 5, 2017 at 2:28am

Loved this! Especially the Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing. How do you recommend I learn more about this? This is exactly what my husband and I need as we work together launching a new business!!!

Heather Arnold December 1, 2017 at 1:58am

Victoria! I was taught by your words! So glad you shared them!

❤️, Heather

Efren November 23, 2017 at 8:18am

I loved the article!

Go Victoria!

Leading at the speed of trust

Leading at the speed of love! EM